no words to describe

I am sitting in our bed on my last night in the dorms of my sophomore year of college. I have been sitting here staring at my gf studying for the past two hours and going through my old phone that i had this summer. I found old music and that is my poison. I found the playlist I listened to every night after I got off the phone with her. It has all the songs that comforted me while I was away from her. I decided to get this phone out with me for the remainder of my days left in Kansas before I go home because its the only comfort I have right now. all this music brings me back to the familiar place I was in last year, but it is just a taste of it all. at this time last year I was running phenomenol, I had my parents here supporting me and my best friend, and the most amazing girl anyone could ask for. now I am dreading running everyday, wishing my parents were here, and still with the same girl I have been for almost a year now. I still love this girl with every last fiber in my body, she is the one I get to fall asleep next and wake up next to every night and every morning and in a few short days that is all going to end for a while. it wasn't the plan.. this summer we were supposed to be together. but it isn't happening like that. she is going to go back to missouri on tuesday and I will be back in colorado on wednesday after I race. I honestly can say that I don't know when I will see her next. and this summer, I am terrified for. this year has been so rough on me, I am bent and bruised and still hurting inside. I am no longer filled with the same trust I had just a few months ago. there is one shred of trust left that I have and it is barley lingering. everything inside of me is screaming and yelling right now and I can't control it. everything inside of me yells telling me I am a fool for letting this happen again. I mean the past few months since the second time, I have been a mess to deal wiht because I can't handle the pain I feel and what I hide inside. all my questions I still have inside that torment me... did you even think of me? how could you? what was it like? are you fucking sick in the head? everything.... I have never once opened my mouth about anything that you don't even like to talk about with me. like am I the fucked up one because I want to know. I need fucking closure. I need to know. this pain is never ending inside of me. in 4 days I think I will completely lose myself. the same girl I was alst summer is long gone and I am wondering if she will ever come back. I am in the place I most dread again and no one is there to pull me back out and I am not counting on myself anymore. the best part of it all... no one even knows what sick twisted story I hide inside. 

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