my last words to her...

08 September 2014

things happen and I want you to be the first one I tell then I remember you are gone. I think that is what hurts the most, wishing I could tell you my good news, have you there with me when something bad happens, and be there to hold me when I am sick. it hurts so bad to know that you won’t be there for me when I make the biggest step of my life. I want nothing more to share all of my life with you. I know though, I know deep down. this was all my fault. I pushed you away. I regret it everyday. I used to say I had no regrets but there is one, letting you go. I have no one to blame but myself. and did you hurt me? yeah you hurt me but I think  hurt myself even more everyday by still loving you. and I wish that you could feel my pain for just one day, not to hurt you but so you could understand how I really feel. I do love you, I always have. I think I always will too and that scares me. No one knows. no one knows how I feel. I keep it all bottled up inside. I make rash decisions thinking that it will take the thought of you out of my mind for a little while, it never works. but I have decided to do something for me. I need something new, I am hoping that it will make someone, anyone, proud. I am joining the army. I have wanted to. I have been thinking about it since you left. I need a reality check because I have been stuck in my own little messed up world for 10 months now, since the last time I saw you.  with all these ups and downs I can’t keep up. I lose someone everyday, time keeps passing me by and I need some direction. nothing gives me more pride than knowing I will be defending our country. I know I will be making someone proud chasing after this dream of mine. I always hoped it would be you. maybe sometime soon I will be able to detach myself from my thoughts of you, maybe not. people say time heals all, but the more time that passes is just a reminder to me that I was supposed to spend my life with you. everyday something brings me back to you. you’re in everything that I do. you always have been. I don’t know, maybe doing this will stop all that. I was hoping for that at first but I am not ready. I don’t want to let you go. I never have wanted to.. I know I need to. if love really is about letting you be happy, even if it is without me then i so dearly hope that one day you give your heart to someone and they will hold it tight as if it is their own. I hope one day you wake up and have something to live for. I hope one day you can go to bed without a worry in the world. I hope one day the battle is over and you’ve won. I hope one day you meet someone who makes you realize just how beautiful you truly are. as for me as much as I would like to say I can move on, I can’t. and I have accepted that. jus know that even if you ever decided to come back, even as a friend, I will be here waiting, with open, loving arms. and if we never talk again I want you to know that I will never love any one like I loved you. I am forever altered by who you are and what you meant to me.

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