I didn't know how bad I could hurt..

It's been almost two weeks since she has been gone.. everyday I wake up and try to tell myself that I can do this and that I can be strong. the truth is I can't be strong. I am so broken that I have no idea where to even begin, I can't even pick up the pieces of my broken heart.. I can't do anything without thinking about her. everything hurts. I never knew that I could possibly hurt this bad. I try and talk myself out of it and tell myself that I need to let it go, try telling myself that I will be okay, but i'm not. I don't even know what to do with myself. I am so fucking scared. I can't start over. I built my life with her for 3 years, we were engaged, we got a dog, I was going to move out there. I pulled my shit together for her. I did everything I could to change for her but the truth of the matter was that I was never good enough for her.. it hurts so fucking bad knowing that now and finally being able to admit it to myself. I blame no body but myself. If I had been better and not so completely head over fucking heels for her maybe she of stayed.. maybe she would of never cheated.. it is all my fault. 

I can't sleep, I can't eat, all I do is drink so I can numb out the pain. I get so angry that I start to hit stuff. I am so fucked up to think that physical pain and drinking will help me. I can feel myself slowly drifting away from everyone and everything again. all the desire I had to pursue all my dreams left when she left me... I feel worthless. I am worthless. if the girl who promised me her heart for the rest of our lives was able to leave me so easily then it must be because I am worthless. 

I wonder sometimes, would she even care if I ended up in the hospital, would she care if I wasn't here anymore. maybe then she would care. but then it scares me because I don't think she would. 

I seriously had no idea, not in a million years would I ever be able to feel a pain like this.. I am so broken. and I don't know what to do with myself. 

all I think about is our memories now.. the night she proposed to me: the single greatest night of my life and I remember every detail and I probably will for the rest of my life.. she picked me up from the airport and it was late at night. she seemed a little nervous in the car driving to our hotel for the night. she kept playing the music real loud so there wasn't much talking and her hands were real sweaty. when we got to the hotel all I could do was stare in awe at how pretty it was. it looked like a castle to me..she had already checked in earlier that day so we drove to a spot closer to our room. our room was on the 2nd floor and she carried up my bag for me along with hers. when we got to the door she told me to wait outside cause she had trashed it earlier that day while she was waiting for me to get in. so I waited for a little while outside while she "cleaned" the room. when she finally opened the door I asked her if i could come in and she smiled and said yes. when i reached for the door she ran and when I opened the door it was dark. there were candles lit around the room and rose petals everywhere. then there she was. looking as perfect as ever, my confident, cool, colleceted girl was looking as nervous as ever. I knew.. I knew it was about to happen. we had been talking about it I jus didn't know it would be this night. my girl, my baby girl, was standing there waiting for me. she took my hands in hers and her voice was shakey as she told me she loved me with everything she had in her and that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, she asked me to marry her and in that moment I didn't want anything else in the entire world. I cried so hard as I heard the words come out of her mouth. I grabbed her and hugged her so tightly. I knew then that I would never want anything more in the world. my life was going to be spent with my best friend and better half. saying yes to her was the best decision I ever made...

that is why I don't know what happened.. maybe I pushed her away. things got rough and she left me. I am sorry for it too.. 

I miss her.. so damn much. even tho I shouldn't. I want nothing more to run to her and tell her I will do anything for her. but I think that it's all over, after everything I think it really is over.. and that is going to be one of the hardest things for me to grasp..

"This is my love song to you
Let every woman know I'm yours
So you can fall asleep each night, babe
And know I'm dreaming of you more

You're always hoping that we make it
You always want to keep my gaze
Well you're the only one I see love
And that's the one thing that won't change

I will never stop trying
I will never stop watching as you leave
I will never stop losing my breath
Every time I see you looking back at me
And I will never stop holding your hand
I will never stop opening your door
I will never stop choosing you babe
I will never get used to you

And with this love song to you
It's not a momentary phase
You are my life, I don't deserve you
But you love me just the same
And as the mirror says we're older
I will not look the other way
You are my life, my love, my only
And that's the one thing that won't change

I will never stop trying
I will never stop watching as you leave
I will never stop losing my breath
Every time I see you looking back at me
And I will never stop holding your hand
I will never stop opening your door
I will never stop choosing you babe
I will never get used to you

You still get my heart racing
You still get my heart racing for you
You still get my heart racing
You still get my heart racing
For you

I will never stop trying
I will never stop watching as you leave
I will never stop losing my breath
Every time I see you looking back at me
And I will never stop holding your hand
I will never stop opening your door
I will never stop choosing you babe
I will never get used to you"

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Comments (2)

  1. HotPeppers1319

    I know your heart is broken, but don’t put yourself in harms way because she cheated on you. There’s no way how her cheating on you had an impact of it being your fault. If anything, she could be (from an outsiders perspective) could be putting thoughts in your head as if it’s your fault.
    I don’t understand why people cheat. Especially, if they were planning on spending the rest of their life with you.
    Hang in there.

    July 07, 2014
  2. LoveWithoutFear

    thank you girl… you have really been there and saw all my messed up situations

    July 10, 2014