I really do struggle sometimes, everybody struggles with something and mine is that I can't let go of the past. I look back often when I should be looking forward. The good and the bad in my past all have made me who I am today tho.. There are some things that I wish so badly that I could change and it sucks knowing that some things are impossible to change after the moment has passed. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I know that, but I am finally trying to find the way that I am supposed to be going. People are moving on all around me and when I think about it I am moving on with my life also, even tho sometimes it feels like I am at a complete standstill.
I wish I could back to when I had someone who would be there to help me through the rough nights when I just have complete breakdowns. It gets hard sometimes, trying to be strong. I try to be strong and put on a front to show everyone around me that I am okay, show them that I am tough and that nothing can break me. I have been doing well, i think.
You think that being alone is the best way sometimes, it works for a while, but sometimes I need someone there to either hold me and tell me it is going to be okay or shake me and tell me that I am being a baby. I need both sometimes.
I need to feel something again. I haven't felt in a long time. When I start to feel I run away. I tend to run away from my problems, no...not just my problems but when I start to feel and my walls start to break...I run. Far away. I can't help it. I can't feel.. it leads to hurt and I do not handle hurt well.. I only know how to hurt. That is what I am best at.
All my life I have hurt people. I don't think there is one person in my life that I haven't hurt. I even hurt myself, plenty of times. I continue to hurt myself everyday because I refuse to let myself feel anyting. If I would of just let myself feel I wouldn't be so alone. That is why I wish I cuould go back. If I could I would go back to the beginning, when I wasn't afraid to feel. I want to be the person I was before life got so hard.
I really am trying tho, I am trying to become a better person. I had to shut myself off to people for a while but I am starting to open up again and I feel like I am getting better. But I am afraid because I feel so vulnerable. I am not that person, the vulnerable one. I don't want people to see that I am that person again. I don't want to be taken advantage of.. I just want something real. I want to start over.