here goes nothing

so much has happened... I don't even know where to start. 

I withdrew from Ottawa in December and came home. I was fully intent on joining the navy and even started processing and had all my paperwork filled out. When my dad came and got me from the airport we talked the whole way home about it. long story short he changed my mind now I am finishing school so I can join after graduation.

a few weeks before I came home at semester I found out my grandpa had cancer. it tore me apart. my cross country team was headed into conference right when I found out and I ran the shittiest race of my life and we still ended up qualifying for nationals. proudest moment of my life. if it wasn't enough that i had to find out about my grandpa right before my race, I ended up finding out right when I finished that my uncle had passed away. I didn't even know he wasn't doing well. that was the hard part about being in Kansas, away from my family. so that was pretty crappy.. I was trying so hard to be postive through it all but it seemed like life just kept throwing me curve balls.

through all this April and I were still going strong. for the most part anyway. we were fighting a lot but I was not willing to let her go.. when I got home things started to get rocky.. I was in such a deep depression.. I was questioning my faith and I didn't want to do anything but lay in my bed. it was the worst.. April and I got so bad that she told me she think I needed to see a therapist.. it made me feel so low of myself, I tried to get out of the funk that I was in.. things started to look up, the surgery for my grandpa seemed successful and April and I seemed good.. not even a few days after I found out my grandpas cancer came back.. I seriously couldn't believe it.. I yelled and cursed God and asked him why.. after that I went back off the deep end and I lost her.. I lost the girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with... 

Things haven't been the same since then..

I don't know who I am anymore..

I am numb..

I just found out last weekend that she is with someone new already.

my heart broke all over again

how many times can a person be broken?

I don't even know how to be a functional person anymore, that sounds terrible but it is true. I just turned 21 and I haven't been sober a day since then. its not a good thing when I drink because I end up crying and missing her... god I miss her so much, even after all she put me thru. cheating on me so many times and hurting me.. that girl broke me so many times. after it all I should hate her. but I can't, i've said I have out of anger , but I can't even bring myself to hate her. and that is so messed up. I can't get her off my mind.. but I hear she is happy. and that makes me feel so terrible, I couldn't keep her happy, now she is gone.. I don't even know what to do with myself. I need something to take my mind off of it, but I can't even bring myself to connect with anyone else because I feel like I am betraying her... I am so broken it is unbelievable...

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