another summer

I start my job at the rec tomorrow. I am excited for the opportunity again but I am abslutely dreading the fact that everyday I have to walk into the office and see a new person sitting at her desk. thats her desk. she's supposed to be there. her area with her little ihome and old ipod docked on top of it. her pictures of her family hanging above, her funny clips from pinterest, her candy stash that was always stocked,  and her collection of bath and body works lotions, none of that is there anymore so the office doesn't feel right. I wont be hearing her old school music play when everyone else is out of the office besides us two, I wont get to gossip with anyone about small town drama, I wont have anyone to ditch with me to get f'reals, my favorite lunch date isn't there anymore. I don't know why it is so hard for me but every time I go in there I expect to see her. thats where my eyes head first is her desk. it messes me up not seeing her.. I still cannot believe she is gone. maybe this is all just a dream, maybe i will wake up tomorrow and when I go into work she will be there greeting me with "whats up angry little hobbit"or "hey douchebag" or maybe she really is gone, but I am refusing to let her go. maybe she will visit me in my dreams tonight, those are always the best when I get to see her again. I miss you Luchin. this summer will be the hardest yet. I wish you were here to tell me to suck it up. I would give anything to have you punch me and tell me to suck it up right now. hell I would even give anything to have you back to boss me around the pool making me do all the dirtiest jobs. I would give anything just to see you or hug you or even get to say goodbye to you. I would tell you that I am sorry I wasn't able to see you in the hospital, I know you didn't want anyone to see you like that and maybe thats why I didnt come. I don't think I could handle it. I always saw you as a strong woman who didn't take anyones shit. I idolized you so much, I hope that you know that. I know as I write this and tears flow you are prolly watching me and laughing because I am being emotional. gosh I miss you so freaking much. 

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