it happened again. this is the only place I ever seem to be able to turn to when something bad happens in my life. I shut everyone out. I don't want to talk to anyone I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to leave my bed. My eyes burn and I'm so fucking exhausted.

i don't know why I ever think I am deserving of something good to happen in my life. 2 years of my life I just wasted on a girl who I was supposed to marry in 2 months. As soon as I got back from this deployment we were supposed to get married and the 5 months I've been downrange she's messed around on me, lied to me, hid shit from me, and broke me. Everyone keeps telling me not to go back to that dark place but I'm already there. I was understanding I gave her her time I let her figure her shit out and she repays me with talking to multiple people behind my back. I treated her like gold. Anytime she wanted something I was there to buy her it. She needed money I sent it to her. She wanted to order food I gave her my card number so she wouldn't go hungry. I bought her a laptop. I lost many nights of sleep to stay up to talk to her... I don't know where I went wrong this time. I don't know how I got back here again. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to pick myself up anymore. I'm supposed to be the strong soldier. I'm not supposed to be weak. I'm supposed to put everything in a box and shove it away but I can't. No more falling asleep on FaceTime. No more "I'm proud of you" texts. No more I love you and I hope you have a good day texts. No more of having my other half. 

Injust dont fucking understand. I'm never gonna be able to understand and it drives me insane. I don't know what is so wrong with me that makes people just want to walk all over me. Maybe it's because I was a shitty person before. Maybe it's the karma catching up with me.. maybe I do deserve all this.  maybe I deserve every bad thing that has been thrown at me the last 2 years. That's gotta be it right? 

I hate being weak. I hate being in this place. I hate being alone with no one to talk to. I hate the choices I made and where I'm at today because none of this would be happening if I wasn't here.

i just have no words...

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Comments (2)

  1. shadowstarz

    You’re only human, so don’t beat yourself up ! Just because you’re a soldier by profession, doesn’t mean you’re weak if you show your pain. She sounds like a liability, and if I were you, I’d let her go ! She’s already proven that she cannot be trusted, and that she’ll use you for whatever she needs.
    Marrying someone like that, will only lead to devastation, on your end. You should marry a woman that has her own independence, and will contribute & compliment you, as opposed to take from you !
    At some point, you have to draw the line, and do what’s best for you.
    If you’re inclined to work it out, because you genuinely love her, then you need to voice your concerns and query her integrity as she shouldn’t be talking to other men, whilst you’re away at work. Any woman knows that that’s not right. Unless, of course, you have an open relationship that enables you both the freedom to do so.
    If you don’t set boundaries for her, then she will assume that you don’t mind who she talks to…

    August 06, 2017
  2. jaageet

    Women. They ain’t worth chasing, soldier.

    August 06, 2017